What is a healthy value?

In my teens and 20s, every time I played golf I expected perfection. My singular goal was score, closely followed by hitting every shot just as I pictured and making no mistakes. Like many, each round started with high hopes, aggressive plays, and plenty of hero shots. Most of those rounds ended in frustration, stress, and feelings of ineptitude topped with helplessness. I couldn’t understand why I was trying so hard yet getting nowhere, stuck shooting in the mid- to upper-80s, sometimes into the 90s. Breaking the stalemate came in my early 30s after realizing my biggest problem wasn’t my swing, it was crappy values…which led to crappy goals…which led to crappy metrics for success.

Unhealthy values combine two things — they are externally-focused and they are not controllable. The overarching value for me was perfectionism. Other common yet poor values include: popularity, wealth, fame, attention, instant gratification, pleasure-seeking, pain avoidance, appearance/image, winning, validation from others, and the list goes on. We can’t be popular unless other people validate it. Avoiding pain is generally a painful process (ex. substance abuse). Trying to get others to see us the way in a certain way is inauthentic, tiresome, and often a hopeless task. When the world around us isn’t cooperating (which is a lot of the time), these poor values cause stress, anxiety, depression, and fear.

On the flip side, healthy values are internal and controllable. Examples we’ve all heard include: accountability, authenticity, honesty, creativity, innovation, compassion, humility, gratitude, responsibility, perseverance, growth/learning, service, and excellence. Every day we can wake up and make choices that support these values whether or not the people and world around us cooperate. Success is not measured by outcomes and external validation, but rather by how well and consistently we act according the values we decide are most important.

When I finally adopted this approach, perfectionism became healthy combination of curiosity, humility, and grit. I accepted that golf is a variable game that cannot be controlled. My task was to adapt, give my best, learn from the failures, and ultimately accept the results no matter what. Instead of score, my rounds became successes if I achieved the following: stay present, make smart choices, stick to my routines, internalize good shots, objectify bad shots, and emotionally regulate through both positive and negative outcomes. Similar to healthy values, these healthy goals were controllable and measurable. Side note, my scores have dramatically dropped taking this approach and I routinely hit the low- to mid- 70s (or better).

Choosing better values doesn’t guarantee success and it doesn’t mean we’ll be perfect people all the time. But it does give us a meaningful path to self-development that produces growth and learning regardless of whether we succeed or fail. Take some time to decide what values most resonate with you and commit to setting goals that support those values daily. I think you’ll find the pursuit both exciting and liberating as you let your authentic self guide your journey.